Are You in Control?

What does being in control of your life mean to you?

Do you feel like you are?

And if you don’t, why not?

There are days that I get sad, angry, and frustrated. Yesterday was one of those days.

I woke up anxious, and my fuse was short. I didn’t want to play with my kid for eight hours straight. Why wouldn’t she just watch a TV show or play on her kindle like other kids? Isn’t she supposed to be addicted to devices??? I didn’t want to plan a meal for dinner. I wanted to be left alone, and I felt like there was no space for me.

I sometimes blame days like that on the state of the world. On politics. The pandemic. The rain. Or PMS. Surely, it’s outside circumstances that are making me feel gross, right?

So I let my brain try and logic it out.

I told myself, it makes sense that I’m tired and exhausted.

The presidency is taking up too much of my brain.

Social media is bananas and draining.

The pandemic has left us couped up inside and isolated and it’s only natural that I get upset about it all sometimes.

There’s not much to be done about it.

Except that didn’t make me feel better, and it isn’t even true!

I wasn’t actually upset about all those things. I was just having a feeling of irritation.

I wanted space. I wanted time to fling off the frustrated energy and not play the happy mom all day. I hadn’t filled up my own cup, so I was really annoyed to pour from it to entertain my child.

I’m sure you can relate – it’s HARD to fake happiness and it’s super frustrating to think that we should. And yet, we do that a lot, whether it’s for our kids, or spouses, or our jobs.

What made snap out of it was taking back my control.

Telling my husband I needed a few hours for a break when he got off work and hiking it to my office to hole up and vent. Acknowledging that while I am perfectly allowed to have a shitty day and be grumpy and unmotivated, the occurrence of a bad day doesn’t in any way mean I am not in control of my life or that I am failing at my life.

I gave myself a few hours to come back to my center.

I glared at my floor. I organized a pile of paper. Eventually, I scribbled all my angry, frustrated, empty thoughts onto a piece of paper as fast as I could write them. And seeing the emotions tumble out was really freeing.

I wrote about anger and fear I didn’t really know had been building up this much.

I was angry that I haven’t been making art. I was angry that I was handling so much and afraid I was doing it wrong. I was tired and longing for quiet. I was lonely. I missed my friends. I was pissed that I’ve gained 20lbs since covid began, and unsure of my ability to release it and truly keep it off because I felt like if I was the person I want to be, I wouldn’t have gained it all back in the first place.

At the end of it all, I felt pleasantly drained. I felt back in control. I was taking care of myself. I AM taking care of myself.

I’m human. Being human means I get upset and afraid, and doubt myself sometimes. It also means I have moments of triumph – days when I am overflowing with happiness, achievement and inspiration.

They don’t all have to be great days to have a great life.

That thought made me smile.

I hope it makes you smile, too.

Sending you a wish for your strength and serenity, even when life feels hard. You’ve got this, friend.

Xx
Blaze

PS – We all need Dream and Truth advocates in our lives. Together, we embody more of our truth and achieve our dreams faster than when we go it alone. If you would like to get coached through those times when life feels out of your control and learn how to TAKE IT BACK – I’m here for you. Yes, you CAN learn how to feel sufficient and complete, even when you “haven’t arrived” yet or are having an epically bad week. I’m only a call away.